Hi.
I screwed up this time. I had too much to drink Wednesday night, got stopped for a DUI, and spent the night in jail. I don't give a damn about the money, but I'm scared of my desire(craving) to run away and yes, drink.
I went to my 1st AA meeing in 12 years, 11 of those having not drank. It didn't seem like a consious decision to go drinking, because I had a mental list of things that I needed to pick up for our new cat, I wanted to get a small stand for the cat to lay on in front of the bedroom window, some new shirts for me since they were 75% off----and I did only 2 of them. I turned left(literally) coming out of the animal hospital instead of right which took me towrd downdown. Even when I got there I kept looking at my watch at telling myself that I should go. But No.
I am going to talk to a lawyer, but there isn't much that I can do. 90 day suspension, $200-$300 fine, and alcohol course in order to get my license.
I expect to get beat up about this, but so far I'm doing a pretty damned good job of it myself. I spoke with my doctor about some new medications that are available now to help with the "mental" cravings. My anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds don't seem to help this longing to RUN AWAY. I've talked to my Mom about this, and she doesn't want me to go anywhere by myself. I told her that right now I just don't trust myself, so I don't blame her for her lack of trust.
If anyone can relate to any of this, PLEASE let me know. PM's are OK. I just need to meke it until tomorrow's meeting at noon. At least I felt safe there.
Ed.
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It is much more prudent to do your drinking at home. Perhaps you will use this as a learning experience.
I doubt that even Usain Bolt could run from his problems. Better to stand and make a fight of it, learn the hard lessons, and resolve to do better. Not perfect, only better.
It's not "lack of trust" on Mom's part, rather much needed (at this time) Motherly instinct and love that she wants you to "be near"
Knowing a tad of what you have been through as of late, all I can say from one "addictive natured personality to another" One Day At A Time!
That's all you can do my friend, don't beat yourself up, just one day at a time, and each one is a new one, there are no yesterday's or tomorrows, simply today, cease it the best you can as the "only" day.
Love & Light,
Reba~
Unfotunately I am beyond the "being able to drink at home". I knew this for 11 years that I absolutely shouldn't drink. It was a decision, be it consiously or subconsiously to drink to run away. Time for me to run TOWARD my problems instead of away. There have been many studies about being able to "learn" to drink in moderation. I remeber one time a lonnnnng time ago how I'd sit in a bar and wonder in amazement HOW people could come in for just a drink or 2 and then go home. Me? I'm not able to stop at one of 2. Thanks for commenting, and yes, this will be a lesson to me.
Ed
You are wise(or experienced). This feeling of 'fright or flight' is not so much physical as emotional. I will make this work. I am surprised at how many people are behind not only me, but my Mom. This really has made her ashamed to see her neighbors. So I went to the neighbors and explained about what I did. Mom did nothing wrong. We've gotten through worse things, as many on Blogstream know. I will make it. Thanks for the comments.
Ed.
My kids and I feel the same way about my husband, but it's not that he drinks and drives, but he has so many health issues that his driving anywhere can become a tragedy. He takes 27 different kinds of meds a day for multiple medical problems. He finally understands that he really shouldn't be behind the wheel of our car. The kids kept telling their dad that he could one day end up killing himself, or me, or worse, kill someone else or grandchildren of someone, just the ages of our own grandchildren.
Squash, we all mess up sometimes, and it looks like this time, it is fixable for you. A DUI is far better to get than life in prison for killing someone when you plowed into them with your car.
You are a great guy with a lot of friends on the Stream and I'm sure where you live as well. My favorite saying is, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Just take the lesson you just learned and go from here.
God Bless,
Karen
Thanks for the kind words. Beteen my suicide attempt last week and this now this week, I have much to make up for. Mom is even close to deciding to go to an AA meeting with me to see what it is about. She can't understand why I would have to go more than once per day. I'll get through this. Thanks again.
Ed.
Ed.
It seems that once the sun goes down, I feel better. Relieved maybe? Made it through another day. Mom said that she was ashamed to see her neighbors who have been so good to her. So I went and told them about my troubles. It didn't bother them, and said that Mom and I are good people and they expect her to be out on her porch tomorrow as always.
I'm not as ashamed as I was earlier today, I'm going to have a sponsor by tommorow, and I'll improve. My therapist can help me get down to the emotional level that I've been just "sucking in" for some time now. I know the desire to go to the bars stemmed from loneliness, but a bartender isn't a friend.
I get scared more for me than for Mom. I knew that when she's gone that I'll be lonelier, and I just want to run away from that feeling. Self destruction really fits. 1st the suicide attempt, and now this.
I had a long talk with my Grocery manager. She's been in AA for 21 years, and she told me that most of her friends now are from the Program, as there are too many other people who she knows that aren't stable enough to be around for long. She gave me some hope. So tomorrow I'll go to at least 1 meeting, and try to get through another day.
Ed.
Just saw your responses, I did not come to your blog last night & just now checked the email. I know you will be OK, more importantly I think you really know that, so part of the battle is won already!
About the sun setting, I think your right, it's like "another days penny is spent" and rest can come as it's like I made it just today, I know this feeling right now as I type as I have been on a stringent weight loss program for a couple of months now and it is a relief to "feel" the end of the day and to know you have made it. My assessment is that is the nature of all things in which we are addictive natured to.
Mom may feel ashamed, remember she is a different generation that you or I and as well she is from times when Moral obligations and shame were taken so much more literal, so you did a great thing by "clearing the air" with your neighbors for her, she probably feels better about it all.
Glad you are getting a sponsor, that should help a lot, as well your therapist can also be of help, no doubt.
Ed as I said there are no tomorrows nor yesterdays, just the "now" so we cannot beat ourselves up over something that literally do not exist (for change) as they are not, only the now and how we live it. that is all we have some control over my friend.
My feelings would also be that you are lonely, and also knowing that Mom will be leaving you is a hard one to swallow, remember I took care of my bed-ridden Mom for twenty four years and I still miss her to this very day, it is easier now but I still miss her. As well I think that your suicide attempt and the drinking is all fashioned around the thought of losing Mom and that may be what provoked all the negativity thinking/actions. Make sense?
I wish you had some good friends "close" to you, not drinkers but reality friends who could take up some of the slack, you would have more to look forward to.
Once I was told by a wise therapist, and I don't value a lot of what many of them say but this stuck with me, I will share here.
Everyone needs three things to maintain emotional happiness.
Someone or something to love.
Something to look forward to.
Something to do to feel their worth, be it job, hobby, or otherwise.
Her words on this have stuck with me, and I think they are true and this is where I think your lacking genuine friendship, but where can you find one, I know that feeling as well and it is hard!
Remember this Ed, when/as you meet new people at the meetings or wherever don't forget my analogy about if you were sitting next to someone in a Bar they would buy you drinks all night, step outside that Bar door, tell them you are hungry and they wouldn't buy you a hamburger if you were starving to death.
Yes, I am a pessimist but for me that is a good thing in many ways and what i am saying to you regarding this is be careful out in the world who you trust, many will dispute what I believe but people want to bring others to their level, whether that is "up or down" so think in "higher terms" my friend and go greet the world with an arms length! You will meet all kinds at AA and you know this so keep your keenness ever keener right now while you are somewhat vulnerable.
You are my friend, I will always hold you near and dear to me, as I have said many, many time, I wish we lived closer I believe we would be good reality friends.
Hang in there and remember "one day at a time"
Love & Light,
Reba
I just got back from a visit to Melbourne. It's a city in Victoria, Australia. I was able to go the art gallery and was mesmerised at all the amazing stuff i saw there. There were egyptian and New Zealander exibits. Rocks with writings on them and big feirce looking war masks. The finest pottery from rome and europe - created hundreds if not thousands of years ago. Ohh Ed! It was wonderful.
The strangest thing of all was when i walked out of there (after being in there around 4 hours) i noticed EVERYTHING. The world was so loud and every sound - well it was as though someone had written a musical score and the world around me was the play. Wonderful Ed! I floated to the next tram and allowed it to sail me home to the appartment we were staying in.
Wonderful!
G'day Ed...
Sounds like a great place and an even greater experience! Thanks for sharing that with me. Discovery Channel is good, but not as good as a personal angle.
Reba~
I've been to 11 meetings in 7 days, I have a sponsor, telephone #'s, and a feeling of optimism. I have found a lawyer, goten new meds, and a new counselor. Busy week. Plus, I took Mom to the fair. We rented a wheelchair(cheap SOB's don't let people use them for free), and she has even attended som meetings with me. I bought a bicycle which has been quite the adventure for me so far---MY ASS HURTS!!!--- but like I told Mom last night, I haven't felt this much peace for a long time.
Someone from Senior Volunteers calls Mom evey morning to check on her, and anaother lady is stopping by once, maybe twice a week to visit with her. So, I'm doing what I need to do, and I like the results. I don't have a craving to drink, but the thought does come to mind, but I can quickly get rid of it instead of acting on it.
Thanks for checking back with me, I haven't had alot of time to be on the computer this week. Thank You again for your support.
Ed.
You need to recognize that life is choice - we all make them and the reprocussions may not be the easiest of medicines to swallow - regardless of the spoonful of sugar.
I have been were you are - hell, I am just getting out of it - at least in regards to the DUI. It has taken me years and due to the National ID Act I am suffering even more so and in a torrent of double jeopardy with the Mass RMV.
Stand Tall!
Use Those Boot Straps!
Come on now - don't go back down that road!
Call if you need to talk.
Try to be good and smile.
Godspeed.
R.E. Knowlton III
Thanks for the support. A.A has been great for me. Got me through some tough times this past weekend as my Mom has been very sick, and they are now treating her for something that I thought of and looked up on Google------- Soy Intolerance. For the past 3 years or so she has been living on the soy-based nutritional supplements, first drinking and now through her G-tube. Very much like a developed dairy intolerance. So the nutritionist has changed the formula to a dairy-based, and after two days of that plus medication to help the digestive distress, she is feeling somewhat better, and LOOKS better. So if her health gets better my stress level will improve. So, it really is "One day at a time". Hope that you are well. I'll check out your blog and see what you've been up to lately.
Ed.